It’s not every day that I decide to use the toilet, and realize that to do so, I’d need to make a toilet first. Well, that’s not quite true. This is something I’ve realized every day I’ve been up here, but avoided making the toilet, opting instead to squat over a hole in the ground. But today, I made a toilet.

It’s not that I don’t like squatting over a hole. I think it’s actually a superior way to do it than sitting. There’s something about squatting that seems to make things go smoother; it’s slightly easier to exert the necessary muscles, and the right parts of the gut seem to get compressed naturally. Some people also say it’s more sanitary because your body doesn’t touch anything else.

No, the problem I’m having is one of real estate. With 60 acres, you’d think I would never run out of places to dig a shit hole. But, well, I guess I’m picky. I don’t want to do my business too close to my camp, but I also don’t want to venture too far. The ground around here is very rocky and hard, so there aren’t very many places where it’s easy to dig a nice deep hole. Of course, during the summer, I don’t want to squat out in the full sun, so I’d seek shade, under a nice leafy oak tree, perhaps. And I can’t reuse the same spot twice, because digging up my own crap just isn’t something I do. Oh, and ideally, I’d like to go somewhere with a nice view too; I mean, what’s the point of taking a dump in the great outdoors if the view isn’t so great? And so it happens, that I’ve run out of places to go. Or at least, it’s taking longer and longer to find a suitable spot. And when you gotta go, the last thing you want to do is to wander around in the woods with a shovel in one hand, toilet paper in the other, looking for a nice soft patch of ground to dig up.

So, I built a toilet. Introducing the Brent D. Miller Cylindrical Receptacle Accepting Pee & Poop, Ecologically Recycling, or BDM-CRAPPER in short. Brent is an old co-worker of mine, who graciously and generously donated the toilet seat. Though, he said the toilet seat only cost a dollar, and I used a whole 2x4x8 which costs about $2, so I think the lumber cost more than the toilet seat, but, nonetheless, a toilet wouldn’t be a toilet without the toilet seat, so I am naming my toilet in honor of Brent. Thanks Brent.

I guess it’s what people call a compost toilet, which seems like a glorified way of saying “a bucket, with shit and dirt in it.” But, that’s what it is. It’s a bucket, and there’s dirt in it. I put a bag of store-bought compost left over from my garden next to the toilet, and after I do my doo, I cover up my waste products with some compost. I’ve read of other people using sawdust, but I figured compost would already have the microorganisms required for composting, so that’d probably work better. I haven’t quite decided what to do when the bucket gets full, but I think I have a while to figure that one out. I also might eventually need to build a privacy enclosure around the toilet, for instance, if I have guests over, though it’s portable so I could just move it deeper into the woods where nobody can see. After all, it would be a shame to block out the beautiful views and fresh breeze…